To Sleep, Perchance to Die
by Aceidia
Summary: Coyote Starrk sleeps too much. And what he doesn't know, doesn't kill him, right? What happens when the other Espada take advantage of his constant slumber for their own amusement? And what happens when Aizen finds out? Humor. No pairings, not a one-shot.
1. Chapter 1

"Shh…" Nnoitra Glgia whispered to Szayelaporro Granz as he peeked into the First Espada's large bedroom where Starrk Cyote and Lilynette Gingerback were fast asleep on their bed of pillows."Is it clear?"

Szayel nodded. "Yea…"

Nnoitra grinned and tip-toed over to the sleeping siblings and carefully removed the blue comforter. He made a gesture and Szayel crept over with the meat quilt the two had patched together and draped it over Starrk and Lynette's sleeping forms.

"This…" Szayel tried not to snicker as Nnoitra turned up the thermostat dial as far as it would go. "Is epic."

"I know!" Nnoitra whispered back, pointing to the door. "Wait 'till it warms up! It's gonna smell awful! We have to go now! I think he stirred! Run! Run!"

* * *

><p>"Do you think we should be doing this?" Ulquiorra Schaffer inquired of Grimmjow Jagerjaques as he tied a pair of feet up in rope with sailor knots.<p>

"Nah…" Grimmjow resisted a laugh. "He'll never know…"

"Until he wakes up, that is."

"No, no, Emo! Starrk is out for a good week! He and Baraggan hit the bar too hard last night."

"Yesh. What is with the booze around here?" Ulquiorra huffed, taking down Aizen's palace flag. "Getting drunk is so irresponsible. And so is this."

"What ever!" Grimmjow handed his friend the ropes. "Put him up there already!"

"Yes. But what about Lilynette?"

"She's sleeping in her room!"

"Oh." Ulquiorra let out a long sigh and glanced down a Starrk. "All right. It is his fault he sleeps in only his bloomers." With that, Ulquiorra hoisted a new flag over Los Noches.

* * *

><p>Tia Harribel grinned.<p>

It was too perfect.

"Give me the scissors." Tia demanded.

"Yes." Melrose handed her the pair from the kitchen.

"And the tweezers."

"Yes." Apache handed her lady what she wanted.

Tia's grin widened and she turned her attention to a sleeping Starrk.

Weapons in hand.

"Girls. It is time to give him a haircut and a facial tweezing."

"YAY!"

"SHHH!"

* * *

><p>"Ah….." Yammy Llargo gave Baraggan Louisebairn a look. "What should we do?"<p>

Baraggan glanced at snoring Starrk who was now missing a goatee and smelled like… something dead. The Second Espada looked at Yammy who was staring at the glass liquor cases. "Steal his booze! what else?!"

* * *

><p>Zommari Rureaux frowned down at Starrk who was still sleeping.<p>

This man slept too much for his own good.

It was time to wake him up.

Zommari held up a large gong up next to the sleeping one's head and smashed the mallet into it.

* * *

><p>Aaroniero Arrurueire smiled.<p>

This was going to be fun.

And why no one else had thought of it first, he had no idea.

"Hehe…." Aaroniero tried his best not to laugh as he put Starrk on his actual bed and dragged it through the hallways of Los Noches.

Aaroniero finally open the last door and drag the bed into the edge of the large very deep swimming pool…

"Sweet dreams…"

...that just so happened to be full with barracuda.

(Thanks to yours truly, Aaroniero Arruruerie), who watched the mattress float gently into the middle of the pool.

* * *

><p>Author's note: Haha. This idea came out of the blue and there are going to be two other chapters. Thanks for reading.<p> 


	2. Chapter 2

"I am so disappointed in you!" Aizen screamed at his Espada who all look as guilty as hell from where he stared down at them from his throne.

Tia Harribel stepped forwards slowly. "Sir.. I am sorry. I am full of regret."

"Yes." Ulquiorra felt great shame for his actions. "We are quite sorry."

"Not…" Aizen began, his voice trembling with rage. "Not as sorry as I am! Because! Because, no matter how many horrible things you all have done to Starrk… he still dares to sleep in, damn it!"

"We are-"

"Don't be sorry, Nnoitra! Fix it! Fix it!" Aizen roared, making Gin and Tousen cover their ears. "I order you to all change this immediately! I want you to…to do something so horrid, Starrk will be afraid to go to bed! WIthout a nightlight!"  
>The Espada looked at one another.<p>

Was he seriou-okay, he was.

"We should…" Tia began.

Nnoitra hated to even bring up such a wild idea. "Maybe…"

"Team up." Zommari smiled. "For…"

Grimmjow liked this idea already. "One last ditch attempt."

"He'll never know what hit him." Szayel muttered.

"And," Aaroniero had to point out.

"We won't get in trouble…" Yammy laughed.

"Let's go talk." Baraggan opened another beer. "I'll bring the booze."

"Sweet…" Ulquiorra grinned for the first time in his life.


	3. Chapter 3

I'm here… I'm here." Starrk complained, dragging Lilynette into the living room behind him. The two of them just having been rudely awoken by Lord Aizen himself and ordered to come. "What do you guys what?" He asked the other nine Espada who were sitting around the television.

"Nothing much." Ulquoirra tried his best to hide a grin from where he were sitting next to Grimmjow. "Just sit. We, Lord Aizen asked us to make a film and we wish for your… Your…"

"Critical reception." Szayel finished, knowing that the Fourth Espada was doing everything in his power to keep from laughing.

"Is it quick?' Starrk sat down in the middle of the white couch between Nnoitra and Harribel who were both hiding evil grins. "I have a hangover. Baraggan and I, we have a blast. I think I drank 'till I passed out, so I'm.. Not happy today."

"Well." Aizen began, picking up the remote control from the coffee table. "This film won't be long. Now, sit back and enjoy." He pressed play and the film began to roll. It began with a horrible shot of Ulquiorra's face as Grimmjow had control of the camera.

"Hello, Las Noches." The Fourth Espada began in his mono-tone voice. "Today is going to be interesting. I am in Starrk's room at the moment with Grimmjow here. Thankfully, Baraggan went along with our plan and now the Primera is out cold, dead drunk and-"

"Yeah!" Grimmjow added, moving the camera around to get a shot of his grinning face. "It's awesome. He won't know what the hell we're doing! Now, let's to get see Starrk and Lilynette and you can see… here."

"Yes." Ulquiorra added, pointing at the two sleeping lumps on the bed. 'This is Starrk. Sleeping. It is not very interesting aside from the fact that-"

A loud snore interrupted the commentary.

"That he snores." Ulquiorra finished. "Very loudly and…" He glanced at the pillows, "drools. A lot. Now, we must turn him over to Harribel here as it is demanding that Starrk get his beauty sleep."

The scene suddenly changed to Harribel's personal Spa room she demanded to have for her Fracciones and herself if she were going to serve Aizen.

"Hello." Harribel said, appearing in the frame of the camera. "Tia Harribel here. Thank you so much for the camera, Ulquiorra. I am here with my girlfriends and we have everything set. Now… come over here." The camera followed the Female Arancarr to a chair where Starrk were sleeping away, now in just his undies, obvious his surroundings. "As you can see, my Fracciones have taken the liberty to give him a near full-body waxing and shave. He'll look quite handsome when-"

Mel-Rose ripped a strip of wax off Starrk's right leg and Apache did the other other.

"When we're through." Harribel laughed, loving all her work. "Now, girls. Let us do the chest and the rest of Starrk and we now hand this over to Zommari as no one needs to see what else we do…." The four women laughed evilly and the scene changed to show Zommari sitting on a yoga mat, just staring into the lens.

"Greetings." The Seventh Espada said, a faint smile creeping onto his face. "I am here with my soul-brother, Aaroniero and we are going to take advantage of Starrk's sleeping state and help him work through his issues with a past-life regression."

"Yes." Aaronnerio said from behind the camera, turing it to focus on Starrk who was laying on a yoga mat to the left. He looked quite handsome now, having been through Harribel's Salon Hell and the only hair remaining on him were the hair on his head and chin. "And I don't want to know what Harribel-sama did to him. Anyhow, Zommari, shall we begin?'

The stern Espada nodded and put on some soothing music the CD player. "And now… we close our eyes… and we go back into the depths of our soul to find…"

"Cotton." Starrk muttered from where he was laying. "Cotton… candy… "

"Yes, yes…" Zommari gave Aaroniero a look. "Now, tell us more…"

"Mama… mama… I want the… cotton candy…"

"Why do you want the candy?"

"Because… I like it and…" Starrk drawled on as Zommari and Aaroniero snickered uncontrollably.

"And now," Aaroniero managed to say a few minutes of nonsense later, "We… we hand it over to you two."

The scene changed again to witness a crazy grin, a not so well done close up on Szayel's face as he talked to the camera. "And now. Do you know what all good days at the spa are topped off with to keep one relaxed for the next week? Well, let Nnoitra show you." He turned the camera where Starrk was sleeping on the all dreaded operating table, Nnoitra looming over him, a needle in hand.

"Yes…" Szayel's all too happy voice laughed as Nnoitra set a whole box of needles on the table. "Acupuncture! On the face."

"AHHHH!" Starrk screamed from where he was sitting on the couch watching this horror flick play out before his eyes. "Turn it off! Turn it off! My face! Needles!"

Aizen pressed pause and glanced at Gin, Tosen and the other Espadas. "How many vote we turn this off?"

Starrk and Lilynette's hands shot into the air. No one else moved.

"And who votes we make Mr. Starrk here watch the rest of this and learn a lesson about NOT sleeping too much?" Aizen asked, glad that Yammy had been so nice to edit this into a coherent movie. How the tenth Espada did something so advanced, he had no idea. But the film looked good.

Twelve other hands shot into the air. Starrk had to pay for sleeping in all the time.

"Good!" Aizen clicked a button and the film began with a nasty close up of Szayel and Nnoitra's needle treatment. "And for those scared of needles… we DON'T have blindfolds!"

"Yay!" Everyone else cried while Starrk began to whimper in fear. He was never ever, EVER sleeping in again. Unless this were all a dream; but then again, his hairless chest were enough proof of all of the horrors that happened while he slept. So, Starrk employed Lilynette to wake him up every morning and he were never late for another meeting or bingo game in Las Noches.

As for the other Espada, their video went viral.

* * *

><p>Thanks for reading along, it has been fun!<p>

Cheers, Aceidia


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